I have had a really weird issue with a MacBook Pro battery of mine (one of two I always carry with me.) It will occasionally drop it’s full charge capacity to the point where the computer says “Service Battery” or “Check Battery.” I really didn’t want to go to my local Apple Store because, frankly, I don’t like listening to most of the fools who are in there wondering why their iPhone that got soaked in dog urine isn’t covered under warranty or their Bondi iMac can’t be repaired anymore. It bugs the hell out of me.
Anyways, I decided that I’d have to call AppleCare: that dreaded multi-hour pastime that everyone on the internets has a horror story about. Apple hates its customers and doesn’t actually want to fix things, right? Good thing I have my attorney on speed dial, and he’s in the office, or else I would have to call back another free afternoon.
I remembered, though, that at some point, Apple had a feature where they would call YOU back after submitting a support request on the website. Here’s the first thing I saw after logging into the Apple support site:
Holy shit! Those evil bastards are tracking everything I own! Oh, wait, I needed help, so I just clicked on my MacBook Pro and it took me to this next screen:
Why would they want to know what is going wrong with my computer? They are just looking for ways to void my warranty. Oh, wait, that might not be the best thing to say to the people who are helping me. I put the relevant battery information from the system profiler into the area to describe the problem and hit continue. I was then presented with this screen:
Those sons of bitches are trying to pawn the problem off until later or until I feel like calling them. How dare they do anything but give me oral pleasure to ease my stress about this horrible problem. Because I wanted my stuff fixed now, I clicked “Call me now” and waited.
It took them 20 FUCKING SECONDS to call me. You know what else? It took me 10 MINUTES on the phone talking to people to get my new battery shipped to me. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH BUSINESS I LOST BECAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM? I want Apple to reimburse me for all of my lost work and downtime. I want a fucking unicorn that poops little Steve Jobs action figures. And I want a new computer because this one is a lemon.
Way to go Apple. Way to go…
In all seriousness, this took less time to complete than it would have taken me trying to FIND an appointment at whatever local Genius Bar had an opening. And I’m sure it got taken care of WAY faster, too.
UPDATE 1 (2009-10-01 @ 17:22): HOW DARE APPLE SEND ME MY BATTERY FEDEX PRIORITY OVERNIGHT FOR DELIVERY BY 10:30AM TOMORROW. THE SHIPMENT WAS PROCESSED WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF MY PHONE CALL! I SAID I DIDN’T NEED IT IMMEDIATELY AND THAT I WAS ON VACATION! DON’T YOU LISTEN TO YOUR CUSTOMERS, APPLE?!