Archive for the ‘Congratulations’ Category

Apple’s Crappy Tech Support Didn’t Live Up To Its Reputation

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

I have had a really weird issue with a MacBook Pro battery of mine (one of two I always carry with me.)  It will occasionally drop it’s full charge capacity to the point where the computer says “Service Battery” or “Check Battery.”  I really didn’t want to go to my local Apple Store because, frankly, I don’t like listening to most of the fools who are in there wondering why their iPhone that got soaked in dog urine isn’t covered under warranty or their Bondi iMac can’t be repaired anymore.  It bugs the hell out of me.

Anyways, I decided that I’d have to call AppleCare: that dreaded multi-hour pastime that everyone on the internets has a horror story about.  Apple hates its customers and doesn’t actually want to fix things, right?  Good thing I have my attorney on speed dial, and he’s in the office, or else I would have to call back another free afternoon.

I remembered, though, that at some point, Apple had a feature where they would call YOU back after submitting a support request on the website.  Here’s the first thing I saw after logging into the Apple support site:

First window on Apple's support request site

Holy shit! Those evil bastards are tracking everything I own!  Oh, wait, I needed help, so I just clicked on my MacBook Pro and it took me to this next screen:

Second window on Apple's support request site

Why would they want to know what is going wrong with my computer?  They are just looking for ways to void my warranty.  Oh, wait, that might not be the best thing to say to the people who are helping me.  I put the relevant battery information from the system profiler into the area to describe the problem and hit continue.  I was then presented with this screen:

Third window on Apple's support request site

Those sons of bitches are trying to pawn the problem off until later or until I feel like calling them.  How dare they do anything but give me oral pleasure to ease my stress about this horrible problem.  Because I wanted my stuff fixed now, I clicked “Call me now” and waited.

It took them 20 FUCKING SECONDS to call me.  You know what else?  It took me 10 MINUTES on the phone talking to people to get my new battery shipped to me.  DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH BUSINESS I LOST BECAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM?  I want Apple to reimburse me for all of my lost work and downtime.  I want a fucking unicorn that poops little Steve Jobs action figures.  And I want a new computer because this one is a lemon.

Way to go Apple. Way to go…

In all seriousness, this took less time to complete than it would have taken me trying to FIND an appointment at whatever local Genius Bar had an opening.  And I’m sure it got taken care of WAY faster, too.

UPDATE 1 (2009-10-01 @ 17:22): HOW DARE APPLE SEND ME MY BATTERY FEDEX PRIORITY OVERNIGHT FOR DELIVERY BY 10:30AM TOMORROW.  THE SHIPMENT WAS PROCESSED WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF MY PHONE CALL!  I SAID I DIDN’T NEED IT IMMEDIATELY AND THAT I WAS ON VACATION! DON’T YOU LISTEN TO YOUR CUSTOMERS, APPLE?!

My 25 Years With The Macintosh

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

My 25 years with the Macintosh is, maybe, a different experience than others you’ve read online. If you’ve seen Apple’s “1984″ commercial, you’ll know that the original Macintosh computer was introduced on January 24, 1984. When the commercial aired at that year’s Super Bowl, I was still over 3 months away from my second birthday, and almost a decade away from my first in-depth experience with the Macintosh.

It was late 1993, probably November or December, that I convinced my parents to buy me a two-pack of 3.5-inch floppy disks at Sav-On so I could move information between the Mac we had at home and the Macs I used at school. Early versions of System 7 were what I first got accustomed to, and the Apple hardware varied quite a bit.

Earlier in elementary school, my 4th grade class participated in a program sponsored by National Geographic, where students would dial into a service over a POTS modem and communicate with other students across the country, and if I remember correctly, across the world. That would have placed my first REAL computing experience in 1991 or 1992, dialing into an internet gateway at 2400bps using an Apple IIgs. I recall having a binder of information about the program, but it has long since been discarded. It would be another 2 years before I had another revolutionary computing experience.

When I got my two floppy disks (one of which I threw away because I wasn’t using it at the time) I realized that I could copy software from the school computer to my home computer. Now, the SE/30 I had at home wasn’t nearly as pretty and colorful as the LC520 I was using at school, but it got the job done. I spent most of my days of 6th grade in front of the computer, playing with the software and figuring out how to take games my friends brought to school back home with me. I wasn’t able to get my hands on any printed information about the Mac, so everything I learned was from trial and error.

In junior high, I was involved in the video production class, and the infant non-linear editing systems that were sprouting up. Most of what we did, though, was deck-to-deck on SVHS, but I remember the PowerPC LC series opening up the door to the Gryphon Morph program, which was used to consistently embarass students at school my turning them into animals on the video magazine program aired each week. By the end of 8th grade, I’d developed enough skills in troubleshooting the Macs that I was frequently called out of class to fix other teachers’ machines since the school district’s technical support was (and to this day is) terribly lacking.

At the beginning of my freshman year, I got the first Mac I called my own: a used PowerBook Duo 270c. 240MB internal hard disk, 12MB of RAM, and a 14.4 modem (which could be software-upgraded to 19.2!) For a month or two, I was diong well, moving files between machines through LocalTalk or modem-to-modem with Zterm, until one day I screwed the OS. I had to get disks and a Duo Dock, or I was done. I learned my lesson, and try to keep myself prepared at all times.

About a year and a half later, I upgraded to a PowerBook 3400c/180 with a CD-ROM built in (!) and a spiffy PowerPC processor. It allowed me to do much better web design with its 800×600 screen and it ran software so much better than the good, but tiring 33 MHz Duo. I ran that machine into the ground, until OS 9 and its 1.3GB hard disk and 144MB of RAM was no longer adequate.

My freshman year of college, my parents helped me buy a PowerBook G3 with FireWire which was quite possibly my favorite portable of all time. It was relatively easy to upgrade, and by the time I got rid of it, I had installed 1GB of RAM and an 80GB hard disk. Its specs were far beyond what I had envisioned when I bought the machine.

My current computer is a 2.6 GHz MacBook Pro with a 15-inch screen, 4GB of RAM, a 500GB hard disk and faster “legacy” ports than the fastest cutting edge technologies from only a few years ago. The amount of power WASTED on single processes on this computer is probably more than the maximum speed of my PowerBook G3. There is only one feature lacking on this MacBook Pro that would make it better than the old Pismo: swappable optical drive. Road warriors demand battery life, and I always had two batteries in my G3. I have a spare battery, of course, but not having to worry about a switchout was a marvelous experience.

In late 2002, I began employment in an industry close to the Macintosh, and have remained with the company until the present day. Everything that I’ve experienced and learned since then has made me realize how little I knew back in junior high and high school, and compared with the UNIX “real” sysadmins, and developers, how little I know now. Even in 6 years, I’ve seen the world of Apple and the Macintosh change more than I could have imagined.

The Macintosh has become more popular, in unit sales, than at any time in its history. The Macintosh operating system has morphed into a solid BSD UNIX based, but friendly for consumer use, platform for the most robust and capable end-user media experience on the market. The switch to Intel processors was always rumored from the earliest versions of OS X, but flatly denied until 2005. The “big switch” was executed as a brilliant marketing campaign by Steve Jobs and company. Apple has become a major, respected player in the mobile phone market in under 2 years. Apple has also become one of the fastest-growing consumer electronics retailers in the world.

What I see under my fingertips, and what I use this machine for, is an almost unimaginable progression from my own humble beginnings with the Macintosh 15 years ago. I consider the gift of computers a blessing and a curse. It has given me the opportunity for a career doing something I enjoy (most of the time) but it has proved to be an addictive experience, not unlike caffeine, nicotine, or opiates. When used properly, these tools are amazingly useful. When abused, they create havoc.

In another 15 (or 25) years, I don’t know if I’ll be working at the same company, or even in the same industry. I could never have predicted my current technological experiences with accuracy back in 1993, and I will not attempt to predict technology and its impact on our lives that far into the future. I’ve forgotten more about Apple and the Macintosh over the past 15 years than most people learn in their entire computing experience. I can only hope that I’ll be able to look back on this anniversary of computing technology and realize it’s only gotten better.

Chelsey Sullenberger Has Big Brass Ones

Friday, January 16th, 2009

sullenberger

Going by my quick and dirty research, the US Airways pilot who had to land an AirBus A320 in the Hudson River has done what most “experts” (including El Douche Mejor, Ralph Nader) claimed was impossible or at least really improbable: to land on water with no loss of life.

Now, I’m the first person to criticize US Air for being one of the shittiest airlines I’ve ever flown on from an operations perspective.  But I’d want this dude flying whatever plane of theirs I was riding on FOR SURE.  Problem is, I don’t know how he’s able to fit his gigantic testicles into the cockpit (no pun intended) to pilot the craft.  That, in itself, is impressive.

bigbrassballs

Now, if I was on that plane, I think I’d have at least dribbled a little down my leg before the waters of the Hudson washed it away.  But being the guy at the (wheel? rudder? stick?) and realizing that both of the engines just had a tasty meal of fresh Canada Goose must really really suck.  This guy deserves a raise.

I feel like a mindless messenger bag toting Obama voter for mentioning it, but credit goes to the Crappington Post for the photo of the pilot.