Being a computer technician, I deal with all sorts of people.  Some are the most relaxed, nice people on earth.  Others are the most entitled, self-centered assholes you’ll ever meet.  With that in mind, I’ve formulated my list of the easiest ways to get shitty tech support.  I believe this sort of thing also applies to automobile repair and appliance repair:

1. Call incessantly about the status of your computer.

   When I tell you your computer will be done before the end of business, and that I’ll call when I’m done (or with an unfortunate status update), that does not mean call me every 90 minutes “just to check in” or show up saying “I was told it would be ready by 3:30.”  The more time I’m talking with you, the less time I’m working on your computer.  Turning your repair in 10 hours from check-in to passing deep burn-in is a gift from the Gods of Luck anyways, and you’re pissing them off, too.  When I’m not harboring the desire to hurt you, I typically do better work.
    

2. Blame handicapped children for breaking your computer

   If your computer looks like it made love to an elephant before being flung across the pavement to your doorstep while in a bag of manure, it isn’t covered under warranty.  And when you tell me that you “let a mentally disabled kid at my church use it, but then he dropped it down the stairs” that means that (A) You’re going to hell, and (B) You’re still paying for your repair.  If you have a funny story that doesn’t try to deflect responsibility or get you out of paying for the repair, most technicians will be much more likely to help you out and not to the bare minimum to get you out of their face.  If you try to blame retard children, you will burn.
    

3. Claim that you cannot be without your computer because it is business critical

   If your $50 million business runs off of a $999 refurbished consumer laptop, that’s a good example of being a shrewd businessperson.  If your $50 million business grinds to a halt because your $999 consumer laptop experienced a hardware failure, that’s a good example of being a douchebag.  Delivery businesses do not rely on ONE truck and airlines do not rely on ONE jet (unless you’re US Air, but that’s another story).  A mobile business cannot rely on ONE computer without a backup mechanism.  Period.  If you’re losing $5000 in business per day, then ponying up for another $999 laptop to make up for the losses is a no-brainer.  You’re a fool to not cover your ass and ensure your business doesn’t shut down because of an equipment failure.  Speaking of failure, do you have a backup of your business critical data?
    

4. Claim you just want your computer replaced because your flight leaves in an hour

   If you show up and just say you want a new computer, and you don’t have time to argue because you have a flight to catch in one hour, you will be waiting WAY longer than you need to for service.  Strangely, though, you seem to be willing to wait that ridiculously long time for service despite your impending travel plans.  DOUBLE DOUCHE.
    

5. Get your repair expedited because it’s business critical, then leave on vacation for 6 weeks

   I love people who don’t fall into the traps I’ve mentioned above, but do what it takes to get their machines repaired ASAP.  I’m more than happy to get their machines repaired fast, since I know their business relies on it (allegedly).  Then, I see the computer collect dust on my shelf for a month and a half because nobody wants to pick it up.  ”Oh, mister so and so went on vacation. Can you hold it until after Memorial day?”  to which I reply “Uh, it’s Thanksgiving…” and she says “Oh, I meant St. Patrick’s Day.”  Pick up your stuff.  I am not a Public Storage location for your computer, and I made an effort to help you.  Show some respect.

Now, I’m sure a lot of you will want to know where I’m at because you don’t want such a bitter, evil person working on your computer.  Despite what you might think, I’m quite competent and reasonable.  I’m not a complete jackass.  I’ve been fixing these things for almost 15 years now, and I’ve seen damn near every sorry excuse in the book.  I’ve also seen almost every kind of person bring their computer in for service.

Asking questions about how you can prepare for a computer failure, asking what can be done to prevent a failure, and asking what, if anything, can be done to accelerate a repair are all legitimate questions.  It’s all in your approach.  I’ve had customers bring me food and drink, which is COMPLETELY unnecessary if you’re a nice person who understands that, with anything, there are rules and limits.  Some of those can be ignored, some of those can be massaged, but others are just hard motherfuckin’ facts of life (thank you Ving Rhames.)

Being calm, sane, and reasonable is actually a selfish act on your part.  It will usually get things done better and faster than if you’re an impatient knuckle-dragger.  Spend the 5 extra minutes to do some breathing exercises before going to your computer tech, and you’ll be much happier.